What I Needed At The Time | When The Big One Comes | Kick The Bucket List
Buckit!
| Asian Buffet
| The Singalong Song |
Better In The Dark | His Dime Now
Monkey's Uncle | Big Mean Dirty Dark & Ugly
Schadenfreude
When bad things happen to bad people
It warms the heart, and soothes a troubled mind
When someone you despise
Meets with their demise
When someone who's a prick, gets sick, and dies...
Schadenfreude schadenfreude
I must admit I'm overjoyed
I heard you're broke and unemployed
I'm blessed with the spirit of schadenfreude
I jumped for joy when I read you'd been arrested
I laughed out loud when I heard you lost your job
I was thoroughly amused
To hear you’d been accused
Extortion and fraud, it all made sense
I had a good laugh at your expense
Schadenfreude schadenfreude
I must admit I'm overjoyed
I heard you're broke and unemployed
I'm blessed with the spirit of schadenfreude
What a joy it was to see you on the tv
They arrested you right there on the 6 o’clock news
I was getting all excited
When they said you’d been indicted
I have to say it made my day
When they put you in cuffs and hauled you away
Schadenfreude schadenfreude
I must admit I'm overjoyed
I heard you're broke and unemployed
I'm blessed with the spirit of schadenfreude
I pinched myself as the foreman read the verdict
I bit my lip when he said guilty as charged
You could say I was elated
To know your new home would be gated
Time to settle the score and pay your dues
In a pair of state issued prison blues
Schadenfreude schadenfreude
I must admit I'm overjoyed
I heard you're broke and unemployed
I'm blessed with the spirit of schadenfreude
In time they let you out of the penitentiary
And soon enough I saw you on the street
I admit it warmed my heart
To see you pushing that shopping cart
I stopped to say hi and give you a buck
Just to get a good look of you down on your luck
I saw your head pop out of that dumpster at the mall
I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been to watch you fall
Talk about karma
We could blame it on big pharma
You know I wouldn't harm a fly,
But I'll raise a glass and toast the day you...
When bad things happen to bad people
It warms the heart, and soothes a troubled mind
When someone you despise
Meets with their demise
When someone who's a prick, gets sick, and dies...
Schadenfreude schadenfreude
I must admit I'm overjoyed
I heard you're broke and unemployed
I'm blessed with the spirit of schadenfreude
-----------------------------top
What I Needed At The Time
She was much younger, fine and frisky
My better judgement said it's risky
But she played me like a yoyo on a string
And before I knew what hit me
She was threatening to quit me
If I didn't put her finger in a ring
My friends and family all well-meaners
Said she'll take you to the cleaners
Nonetheless I proudly marched her down the aisle
And though barely consummated
She had photos, some x-rated
Which proved to be of value at the trial
My poor old heart was shattered
And she'd taken my last dime
But I guess that's what I needed at the time
I guess that's what I needed at the time
Call it destiny, my karma, by design
To everything there is a season
It all happens for a reason
It's an omen, it's a blessing, it's a sign!
I guess that's what I needed at the time
Though it's clear I nearly hit my bottom line
My poor old heart was shattered
And she'd taken my last dime
But I guess that's what I needed at the time
I heard the boy say 'easy money'
I interrupted, what's that sonny?
He looked me up and down then side to side
I know a jockey at the racecourse
Who'll guarantee a win or place horse
For a fifty-fifty split he'll throw the ride
Our first few races were successful
I took a mortgage it was stressful
But that pony brought it home at 10 to 1
I was counting up our winnings
With dreams of new beginnings
When an agent flashed his badge and pulled a gun
Two years in Folsom Prison
Where they made me walk the line
But I guess that's what I needed at the time
I guess that's what I needed at the time
Call it destiny, my karma, by design
To everything there is a season
It all happens for a reason
It's an omen, it's a blessing, it's a sign!
I guess that's what I needed at the time
Though it's clear I was severely in decline
Two years in Folsom Prison
Where they made me walk the line
But I guess that's what I needed at the time
But if we could see the future
And all that lay ahead
What a boring story that would be
No I'll take life's surprises
Even those that break my heart
Play my little part in history
I'm grateful for this mystery
Upon a bench there in the park
Feeling blue and rather dark
When a ball rolled up and stopped between my feet
First a dog came gallivanting
Then a breathless lady panting
She looked lovely, kind and gentle, soft and sweet
We hit it off and started talking
Then with her dog went walking
We've been taking walks together ever since
Last night the moon shone high above
We drank a toast to luck and love
And her kiss turned this old frog into a prince
I looked up at the sky
And saw my lucky stars align
Yes I guess that's what I needed at the time
I guess that's what I needed at the time
Call it destiny, my karma, by design
To everything there is a season
It all happens for a reason
It's an omen, it's a blessing, it's a sign!
I guess that's what I needed at the time
And It's clear now that she's here I'm doing fine
I looked up at the sky
And saw my lucky stars align
Yes I guess that's what I needed...
As though the universe decreed it
I guess that's what I needed at the time
-----------------------------top
When The Big One Comes
What will you do when the big one comes
Will you bunker down, or go on the run
Roll over in bed and go back to sleep
Or grab your bug out bag and jump in the jeep
You've got four wheel drive
There's a chance you will survive
Even if it's category five
Are you ready for the big one now
What will you do when the big one hits
Will you lose your mind or use your wits
Make it to the shelter just in time
Or crawl under the bed with a bottle of wine
You could be done for
Your body wash up onshore
If it turns out to be a category four
Are you ready for the big one now
What will you do when the big one lands
Will you spring into action or throw up your hands
Board up the windows and latch your doors
We did ours, you shoulda done yours
Don't you wish you trimmed that tree
What a mess your place will be
Cs' it's going to be a category three
Are you ready for the big one now
What will you do when the big one arrives
Keep calm and think straight or run for your lives
If you’ve got religion better say your prayers
Make your peace with your man upstairs
This could be the end of you
Even if it's category two
Don't you wish you knew what to do
Are you ready for the big one now
Now lets make sure we've got all our supplies
Here's a list from the internet survival guys
Emergency two-way radio, check
Portable shovels and mosquito net
Dehydrated veges and Iodine pills
GPS and a compass let's head for the hills
9 inch buck knife, emergency flares
Duct tape and a multi-tool to make repairs
Triple-ply nanocarbon fiber rope
Underwater matches and a night vision scope
Cyanide pills for if we run out of hope
Fishing poles and rabbit snares
Pepper spray for strays and bears
Hardtack biscuits, rice and beans
We can forage for nuts and salad greens
Binoculars and topographical maps
Gold and silver coins 'cause the Fed will collapse
A tactical shotgun and a Glock on my belt
Now I know how Teddy Roosevelt felt
I'll think about the times when the neighbors all laughed
As we float away on our Tsunami raft
Me and my family will be found alive
Cause we were prepared, we will survive
What about you friends?
Are you ready for the big one now
What will yo do when the big one strikes
Launch the app for that, or try to get likes
If you get caught like Dorothy and Toto
You could go viral if you get the right photo
A selfie next to none
This could even be kind of fun
If it turns out to be a category one
Are you ready for the big one now
------------------------------- top
Kick The Bucket List
The daisies you'll be pushin' up
The bitter taste of dust
That final curtain's calling you
For take that bow you must
That poor lady at the yard sale
Whose husband was a hoarder
All he left her was alone and broke with
PTS disorder
Don't leave a mess
Or your family will be pissed
Before you're gone, get working on your
Kick the bucket list
All those keepsakes you've been saving
Since back when you were a youngster
Bag them up into a pile and
Toss them in a dumpster
In to the trash with a
Flick of the wrist
Time to get rid be glad you did your
Kick the bucket list
You could be lying on a gurney
About to take that journey
Take peace of mind you left behind a
Power of attorney
A will is the way
To make sure you're sorely missed
While you still can make sure you plan your
Kick the bucket list
Your kids will blow a gasket
When the bill comes for your casket
Put some money down and pay ahead or get a loan
Should your body be donated
Do you want to be cremated
Where you want your ashes scattered...
As if it really mattered
And what you want it said on your head... stone
Time's running short and it's futile to resist
It's overdue so get down to your
Kick the bucket list
Your wife she saw it coming
Oh how she begged and pleaded
Now she's stuck with all this crap
'Cause you left before she did
Family and friends will be happy to assist
Show your love and take care of
While you still can make sure you plan
Before you're gone, get working on your
Kick the bucket list
------------------------------------------top
Buckit!
You poured your heart into
That precious little play
Nurtured it with fairy dust
In hopes of Broadway
On opening night
It fell flat on its face
Everybody laughed
You ran out in disgrace
It's the bottom and you've struck it,
There's no way you can unstuck it
Before you kick the bucket just say Buckit!
You got back to the novel
Finished at last
Sent it off to the publishers
Everyone passed
But Someday you'll show them
You were light years ahead
Too bad it won't happen
Till long after you're dead
It's the bottom and you've struck it,
There's no way you can unstuck it
Before you kick the bucket just say Buckit!
Buckit! When you're at your wit's end
Buckit! When you're your only friend
Buckit! When you're all out of luck
Let those problems roll right off your back
Like water off a duck
You joined a band
To take out your aggressions
Playin' loud music
Helped with your depression
Till some record exec
Came along with his spiel
Said lose the old guy on bass
And you guys got a deal
It's the bottom and you've struck it,
There's no way you can unstuck it
Before you kick the bucket just say Buckit!
Buckit! When you're at your wit's end
Buckit! When you're your only friend
Buckit! When you're all out of luck
Let those problems roll right off your back
Like water off a duck
Proudly flip the bird
And tell them you don't give a cluck
Cs' you know...
Success is just the icing on a failure cake
Giving up right now would be a big mistake
You just baked another layer
That's what it takes to be a player
You've got heart and that's what counts
Though you're down to your last ounce
Sometimes you've got to wonder who's pulling the strings
Just remember it ain't over till the fat lady sings
You signed up for art school
Time to go pro
The class was excited
For the big year end show
Getting out of the cab
A dog peed on your painting
But the critics all loved it
And that's the main thing
It's called luck and now you've struck it
You were just about to chuck it
Tell the haters where to tuck it and say Buckit!
-------------------------------------top
Asian Buffet
Back in the day
Mom was kinda hot
But it’s all you can eat
And she came here a lot
Yes she got into the habit
Now she can't get in the booth
We could blame it on the ice cream
And her sweet tooth
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
A side of Wasabi
A hot pot of tea
Knives and forks for you
And chopsticks for me
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
It's all you can eat
Our once a week treat
And today is the day
We're at the Asian Buffet
Little brother's four
He doesn't understand
That when we're at the buffet
He shouldn't use his hands
Plus he's got a runny nose
It's dripping down his chin
You should see their faces
When he just reaches in
We're at the Asian Buffet
Sister's tall and thin
She's got the skinny gene
She can eat all day
And still stay long and lean
But she likes to tease her friends
Doesn't care how much it hurts
Posting selfies to her socials
Of her with three desserts
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
A side of Wasabi
A hot pot of tea
Knives and forks for you
And chopsticks for me
We're at the Asian Buffet
I've got a crush on the waitress
With the long black hair
I dream she is my princess
In a secret love affair
But when I say Hi how are you
Her pretty face turns red
She just smiles politely and
Nods her head
We're at the Asian Buffet
Dad's on doctor's orders
He's gotta lose some weight
He's so stressed out at work
With too much on his plate
Down at the shop they're awful mean
He don't get no respect
But here he is our hero
When he picks up the check
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
A side of Wasabi
A hot pot of tea
Knives and forks for you
And chopsticks for me
We're at the Asian Buffet
Now here's our fortune cookies
Coming through the crowd
We'll take turns round the table
Reading them out loud
Gramma thanks her lord
For providing us this feast
Then puts her glasses on and reads
This wisdom from the East
Just as the heavens light the stars
So too the moon calls forth the tide
Wise are they who walk the earth
With their family at their side
Now we can barely move
Soon we'll be departing
We'll roll down all the windows
Cs' Grampa will be farting
He's gotten old and frail
He can't get a grip
He doesn't hear like we do so
So he just lets 'em rip
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
A side of Wasabi
A hot pot of tea
Knives and forks for you
And chopsticks for me
We're at the Asian Buffet
All the food on display
Delicious dishes
Piled up on our tray
It's all you can eat
Our once a week treat
And today is the day
We're at the Asian Buffet
Today is the day
We're at the Asian Buffet
Let's eat!
--------------------------------------------top
The Singalong Song
When you're out in nature with the stars above
Gathered round the campfire with the ones you love
There is nothing greater than the great outdoors
We just ate our hot dogs now for marshmallows and s'mores!
Music is the perfect way to end a day
I'll get my guitar go grab your uke, let's play!
It's our favorite thing to do
And it's been too long
So let's sing the Singalong Song
While walking in the woods Will wondered why wet wieners wither
Whether we would wind up wanting what were wilted Wienerwurst
Sally said smoked sausages stay stiff and seldom shrivel
Simply simmer steam or sizzle spun on spits not stuck on sticks
Billy bet they'd both be biting belly busting Bratwurst
Baked in bacon with black beans on Betty's buns, Betty's buns
First thing in the morning we'll jump in the lake
Then pancakes piled up high like only Mom can make
Climbing hiking mountain biking all day long
We'll sing, the Singalong Song
While walking in the woods Will wondered why wet wieners wither
Whether we would wind up wanting what were wilted Wienerwurst
Sally said smoked sausages stay stiff and seldom shrivel
Simply simmer steam or sizzle spun on spits not stuck on sticks
Billy bet they'd both be biting belly busting Bratwurst
Baked in bacon with black beans on Betty's buns, Betty's buns
Betty's buns Betty's buns
I hope we don't get the runs
Like that time at summer camp
When we ate all the plums
Betty's buns Betty's buns
I hope we don't get the runs
And end up in the outhouse blowing
Beans out of our bums
Roll your sleeping bags up tight it's time to pack
Mom calls 'shotgun' all the kids climb in the back
Hot and bothered stuck in traffic all day long
We'll sing the Singalong Song
And drive Dad crazy
We'll sing the Singalong Song... Everybody!
While walking in the woods Will wondered why wet wieners wither
Whether we would wind up wanting what were wilted Wienerwurst
Sally said smoked sausages stay stiff and seldom shrivel
Simply simmer steam or sizzle spun on spits not stuck on sticks
Billy bet they'd both be biting belly busting Bratwurst
Baked in bacon with black beans on Betty's buns, Betty's buns
-----------------------------------------top
Better In The Dark
Better in the dark
That's what I told her
Better in the dark
Now that we're older
Turn off all the lights
I'll blow the candles out
Better in the dark
Now that we're seniors
Better in the dark
The Lean Cuisine years
Better sight unseen
Inside the shadows of a doubt
I saw her from afar
Over the hill and yet
A few drinks at the bar
Awoke the thrill that led us
Both back to her place
A passionate embrace
But as I tossed my pants away
I thought I saw her glance away
Better in the dark
Now we're relaxing
Better in the dark
My that was taxing
Drifting off to sleep
At last I hear her snore
Better in the dark
I've got to pee now
Better in the dark
Glad she won't see how
Large and pale the moon, butt
I can't find the bathroom door!
I blindly search the room
There's going to be a mess
If I don't find it soon
But wait, the wall, a switch
When I turned on the light
She cried out in fright
What she saw there I can't say
Just glad the plants were in the way
Better in the dark
We should have kept it
Better in the dark
Did they suspect it
All the dirty looks
When we showed up holding hands
Better in the dark
Their fortunes shrinking
Better in the dark
That's what they're thinking
What about the will
How this could ruin all their plans
In these our golden years
A shot at love instead of
Loneliness and tears
We've found each other but
The family's so upset
They see this as a threat
The kids would steal this chance away
So we took off for France today and...
Paris in the spring
The sun is shining.... bright
-------------------------------------------------top
His Dime Now
A brief and fleeting meeting on the piazza
Made me think that's a
Girl I'd like to get to know
And so I chased her down and got her email
Mmm what a female
Such a dish she spoke English
A sidelong glance
You take a chance
That's how romance begins
Back home I sat alone at my computer
The would be suitor
Trying to compose the perfect prose
I kept it short and simple light and charming
Didn't want to be alarming
I signed your friend then I hit send
Down through the wires
My heart's desires
Conspired to make her mine
And so began a time of corresponding
Slowly bonding
Feelings grow getting to know
Till soon enough it seemed we both were falling
We started calling
Let's pick a place and face to face
Something clicks
The one fate picks
The tricks life plays on you
Once more across the ocean I departed
Heavy-hearted
Would she show how it could go
Till there at last she stood in all her beauty
Mmm what a cutie
To know such bliss that first sweet kiss
From time to time
The stars align
To shine their light on you
A year of travel back and forth to visit
So exquisite
This is it the perfect fit
There's just this little problem of the border
Get your papers in order
If you want to stay in the U.S.A.
The border guards
They make it hard
A green card for my love
If we'd had time we might have waited longer
Grow the bond a bit stronger
Those nagging doubts but time was running out
And so one day in June there in Nevada
That's right we had a
Little wedding by the lake champagne and cake
A hand to hold
As you grow old
And so we rolled the dice
Into our little love next by the seaside
Waking up beside
Morning hugs 'n coffee mugs
We took it slow and stopped to smell the flowers
Talking for hours
Ride our bikes and go for hikes
That precious year
So near and dear
A future clear and bright
She slowly came to know her new surroundings
To get her groundings
Work permit driving learn it
But mostly things were harder than expected
As doubts collected
She got so stressed and then depressed
My lovely bride
Tore up inside
I tried to make it right
The problem was some work to get things going
Some cash flow flowing
Apply her skills and pay some bills
But everywhere she turned
They just kept saying
The gig’s not paying
Still it’s a very good way to build your resume
A lucky break
All it would take
To make it all work out
Then one day on the set she met a new gal
A long overdue pal
Who treated her like a little sister
The two became a true dynamic duo
Stuck together like glue oh
Best girlfriends on whom they could depend
Work and play
The night and day
While I stayed home alone
Meanwhile the music business was imploding
Everybody downloading
The money’s gone time to move on
My promising career clearly behind me
How would fortune now find me
Songs guitar
Close but no cigar
You had high hopes
But them's the ropes
And now the jokes on you
Yes even as my own ship was capsizing
Her star was rising
My spirits failing her ship sailing
She'd be out hobnobbing with deal makers
Movers and shakers
I'd be in a quandary
Doin’ shopping and laundry
Sorry state
Oh fickle fate
Why do you hate me so
And naturally she started to resent me
Want to reinvent me
Dreams fall through try something new
I felt just like a deer caught in the headlights
Maybe I could build websites
But wait a minute my heart’s not in it
In a fix
Old dog new tricks
Life kicks you when you’re down
As she became more angry and frustrated
I recalled how much I hated
Yelling screaming threats I'm leaving!
And though I grew to like the extra leg room
The his and her bedroom
Made me so sad miss what we had
Oh woe is me
It's clear to see
We're going to be just friends
Then back from burning man she seemed distracted
So strangely acted
Lost in thought bright red when caught
And gradually the pieces came together
She had met Mr. Forever
A real nice guy up on the playa
Please endorse
A quick divorce
Of course I will my dear
Some years have passed she tells me that she's happy
And though it might sound kinda sappy
In the end it's true that I am too
'Cause when you love someone as much as I did
Sometimes it's got to be decided
To let them go so they can grow
She's safe and sound
On higher ground
His arms around her now
I done my time
He's next in line
She's on his dime now
-------------------------------------------------top
Monkey's Uncle
Well he stands about yay big
With a grin from ear to ear
And when he comes runnin' at me
I cower in abject fear
Cause he kicks me in the shins
And climbs me like a tree
But I'm not s'posed to mind
Cause he's in the family
He jumps up on my knee
And asks me for a bounce
And if I'm not too careful
He'll kick me where it counts
I'm his pony, his spaceship
His pirate ship at sea
Oh look what that little man has made of me
Yes I'll be a monkey's uncle
I'll be the best he ever had
I'll be a monkey's uncle
'Cause I'm the brother of that little monkey's Dad
He pretends he's asleep
But when I turn my back
He'll creep out of his bed
And launch a sneak attack
He grabs me by the ankles
And drops me to the floor
But I guess in the end that's what an uncle's for
Yes I'll be a monkey's uncle
I'll be the best he ever had
I'll be a monkey's uncle
'Cause I'm the brother of that little monkey's Dad
And when I'm old and gray, and it won't be long
I'll be weak and feeble, he'll be young and strong
I'll dribble down my chin, and smile a toothless grin
And remind him of the days when I did for him
Yes someday I will get even for these bruises and carbuncles
But for now I'm just so glad to be that little monkey's uncle
He's always asking questions about the dinosaurs
And when it's pouring rain out
He wants to play outdoors
That's him the little caveman
With the slingshot taking aim
At the aging Brontosaurus
Getting wet out in the rain
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle
I'll be the best he ever had
I'll be a monkey's uncle
'Cause I'm the brother of that little monkey's Dad
----------------------------------top
Big Mean Dirty Dark & Ugly
She complains I'm always smiling
And too damn polite
She accuses me of giving in
When she wants a fight
When we're out on the town
And sit down to dine
I don't dare touch her chair
And keep my hands off the wine
She rolls her eyes
When I tip my hat
I try to hold the door for her
She'll have none of that
She says I'm too good looking
I don't stand a chance
I'm too tall and skinny
For her style of romance
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
She can't get enough
Of rough and tough
The bigger the brute
The cuter the cute
Her kind of dude
Is rude and tattooed
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
Can't stand museums
The theater's a bore
She fell asleep at the opera
And started to snore
But there at the fights
When she hears the bell ding
It's all I can do
To keep her out of the ring
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
She can't get enough
Of rough and tough
The bigger the brute
The cuter the cute
Her kind of dude
Is rude and tattooed
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
Attila is her kind of honey
Never mind the sweet talk
Run along sonny
A Ghengis con man, right out of the slammer
Makes her want to teach a little bedside manner
I'm in love with a lass with no manners or class
Who likes em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
We stopped off at a bar
For a night cap or two
Everybody knew her
The place was a zoo
When the bartender came
He said I don't want no trouble
She followed his gaze and said
Make it a double
There in the corner
A big hairy beast
My ex she said
He's just been released
Walking towards us
Man what a bruiser
He looked me up and down and said
Who's this loser
Someone shouted odds
Got money I'll betch ya
60 to 1
He leaves on a stretcher
I'll take that bet I said
Stepping up to the plate
Excuse me mister
You're upsetting my date
Don't do it she cried!
You're dead if he hits you
Little did she know I knew
Kung Fu and Jujitsu
His face turned red
As he launched his attack
In two seconds flat he was
Out cold on his back
I collected my winnings
With her arms round my neck
I bought the house a drink
As I picked up the check
When we got back to her place
Things got intense
I guess the moral of the story is
Learn self-defense
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
She can't get enough
Of rough and tough
The bigger the brute
The cuter the cute
Her kind of dude
Is rude and tattooed
She like's em big, mean, dirty, dark, and ugly
-----------------------------------------top