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Maybe I'm An Asshole

Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm a twit
My darker side, a source of pride
My sharp sarcastic wit
I thought I was being funny
That that's just what we do
I got it from my Mother
Was Mom an asshole too

Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm a prick
That wicked witch my inner bitch
She'll cut you to the quick
I don't really want to hurt you
But it's awful hard hard to quit
I might stand half a chance if you'd stop
Saying stupid shit

Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm an SOB
My personality disorder
They call it APD
It's made me a social outcast
Alone, depressed, and blue
And if you think that's funny
You might have it too

Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm a putz
My therapist won't see me
My doctor hates my guts
I thought I might jump off a bridge
Or drop a toaster in the bath
But what self-respecting asshole
Gives the haters the last laugh

Nurture nature,
It's so hard to say
Did I learn it growing up
Or was I born this way
How did that innocent young child
Running round the maypoles
End up playing bass in bands
On the road with all those a-holes

Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe that's okay
After all it's human nature
It's in our DNA
And look how far we've come
Now we're shooting for the stars
If some asshole doesn't blow us up
We'll soon have one on Mars

Folks, we've come to the singalong section of the song...
Sing it with me now... Repeat after me....
Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm a schmuck
Maybe I'm a schmuck
Maybe it was my fault
Maybe it was my fault
And not just plain dumb luck
And not just plain dumb luck
Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm an asshole
And what they say is true
And what they say is true
Now turn to your neighbor
Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe I'm an asshole
Maybe you're one too
Maybe you're one too
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It Must Be Great To Be Normal

It must be great to be normal
I'm certain it would be
Sane and well-balanced
If only I could be
Great to be normal
To feel I belong here
But all that I get
Is something's terribly wrong here

When you're a norm
When you're a norm

Oh my god to be average
Run of the mill
Common, conventional
Laid back and chill
Humdrum and boring
Dull and routine
Flat and familiar
Just a cog in the machine

When you're a norm
You can weather the storm
Be counted on to perform
Even fill out the form

Oh to be sensible
Simple and plain
Regular, everyday
Bland and mundane
Drab, dime a dozen
Your garden variety
Calm and relaxed
Not full of stress and anxiety

When you're a norm
When you're a norm

Conservative, low-key
Cheerful and bright
Of sound mind and body
Tidy polite
Pleasant professional
Friendly and gentle
Happy go lucky
Not totally mental

When you're a norm
You can weather the storm
Be counted on to perform
Even fill out the form

Oh wait, I can't say that now?
Norm's not PC
We say neurotypical
What does that make me

I'm neurodivergent?
Hmm is that a blessing a curse?
At least an excuse
I'm neuordiverse

I've got a disorder
And it's got a name
A fancy new word
Not simply weird or insane

Well that's really something
I'd say an improvement
A new social paradigm
I'm part of a movement

I bet there'll be pushback
I should expect some
Now that Norm's just my uncle
And I'm on the spectrum
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Nowhere Van

It's a real nowhere van
Leaky roof, no heater fan
Wish it were a new Dodge Ram but no money

Doesn't have a side rear view
Needs new brakes, a tune-up too
Registration's overdo, but no money

Nowhere van, keep goin'
Views are up, the channel's growin'
Nowhere van, they say all that you need is a thousand true fans

Had a girlfriend with tattoos
She was great for subs and views
She had issues, drugs and booze, so no honey

Nowhere van, keep goin'
Views are up, the channel's growin'
Nowhere van, they say all that you need is a thousand true fans

Nowhere van, you're no Sprinter
And as fall turns to winter
Nowhere van, we best head southwest for BLM land

Loser in a nowhere van
Talkin' trash to his dash cam
YouTube channel, was the plan, there's no money
14 likes on Instagram, there's no money
Hashtag van life, what a scam, there's no money
Nowhere van
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Her Happiness Is Your Happiness

Her happiness is your happiness
You're in this love together
You scratch her back she'll scratch yours
You share the bills, the dogs, the chores
Domestic bliss depends on this
It's what makes true love true
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps a young love growing
There for her she's there for you
When chips are down or payment's due
Quid pro quo you reap what you sow so
Give your gal her due
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps love hot and spicy
She floats your boat, you float hers
When sparks ignite and passion stirs
Give like you get and you can bet she'll
Stick to you like glue
Her happiness is your happiness too

And when she's in her happy place
That cheeky smile upon your face
Right there on the brink of tickled pink
Oh, and now you're trading places
Look how soft and sweet her face is
Specially from a bird's eye point of view
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps the love light glowing
The flame that never ends depends
On candles burning at both ends
To your heart's delight if you get it right
Or it's "Not tonight!" for you
Her happiness is your happiness too
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Buzz And Violet

Buzz and Violet
Live in a drawer
Friends with the couple
In the bed next door
And on Saturday nights
They all get together
To prove once again
That love can last forever

Buzz and Violet
Eager to please
Keep an old lady smiling
Leave her weak in the knees
And a happy old man
Falls asleep at her side
Glad for his friends
And the joy they provide

Buzz and Violet
Willing and able
Have no doubt, just reach out
They're right there on the table
And someone who cares
Has them charged up and ready
So relax, just let go
Take it slow and steady

Buzz and Violet
Full of good vibes
All the smart young at heart
Keep them by their bed sides
So get yours today
They're worth every cent
And you can mention my name
To save ten/fifteen percent
Buzz and Violet
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Cozy Little Comfort Zone

Bed bathroom kitchen chair kitchen chair bathroom
Chair kitchen chair kitchen chair bathroom bed
Home sweet home all alone
Just me on my own
In my cozy little comfort zone

Another day over without even having to speak
I haven't stepped out of the house now in over a week
I should probably get out of this chair
Take a shower and wash my hair
The way the Door Dash guy looked at me weird
It might be time I shaved this beard

Nobody calls but the scammers and con men and cheats
They say I owe them a fortune but brother I kept the receipts
I'm impossible to convice
Just ask my friend the Nigerian Prince
Or that Indian guy in Mumbai
Well you can't say he didn't try

Bed bathroom chair kitchen chair bathroom bed
In my cozy little comfort zone

Like Frank in his later years hanging out down in Palm Springs
It's great knowing pretty much everything every day brings
I'll take a walk around the block
Cocktails at 5 o'clock
Then a steak and a fine Cabernet
Catch a flick then hit the hay

Bed bathroom chair kitchen chair bathroom bed
In my cozy little comfort zone

We used to play poker, me and the boys
But mostly they've cashed in their chips
I miss the old crew, we're down to just two
He don't remember much, and I need new hips

I'm not fooliin' myself, I know what's headed my way
That's why I say any day I wake up is a beautiful day
And I thank my lucky star
For Frances Perkins and FDR
Without my Social Security check
My golden years would have been a train wreck

Bed bathroom chair kitchen chair bathroom bed
In my cozy little...
My comfort zone little comfort zone
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Mom's Got A New Boyfriend

She was nine at the time
The oldest of three
With a few words of wisdom
For Mom's new boyfriend, me
Don't get your hopes up
It's not going to last
She'll break your heart Dude
Mom goes through them fast

The other two, boys
Each nodding their head
Eating their cereal
When the little one said
I miss my Dad
I weewee do
Can't wait for the weekend
Weer going to the zoo

But the middle boy, quiet
Looking down at the floor, said
We'll be late for school
And made for the door
Wait, I could drive you
But he turned and ran
She asked what kind of car you got
Is that your old van?

We were two blocks from school
She said, drop us off here
And that's how it went
For most of that year

Mom's got a new boyfriend
Now what was his name
I wrote it down somewhere
Was it Blair, maybe Blaine
Mom's got a new boyfriend
He likes us a lot
If he makes it till Christmas
We'll give him a shot

A text from their Dad
He'd been called out of town
Can you keep them this weekend
I hate to let you all down
No worries, we got it
But their Mom, who's a nurse
Had the day shift all weekend
Could they watch you rehearse

I took them to band practise
Got them pizza and earplugs
Sat them down right up front
With sodas in beer mugs
A breakthrough, they loved it
From then on I was cool
And I'd drop them off
Right in front of the school

Mom's got a new boyfriend
He likes us a lot
If he makes it till Christmas
We'll give him a shot

It was coming up Christmas
She said it's time you moved in
I want to, you know that
If the kid's approved, then
I already asked them
You know what they said
We dig the new guy Mom
Sure, go ahead

A beautiful morning
With us all round the tree
A fire, Christmas music
Even presents for me
Later on, clearing up
The little guy heard me sighing
Are you sad, no I'm happy
Then why are you cwying?

Mom's got a new boyfriend
He likes us a lot
He made it till Christmas
We'll give him a shot

At the end of the school year their Dad came to get them
There was a woman there with him, I saw the kids roll their eyes
Three weeks in a motor home traveling together
'God help us' The girl whispered, as we said our goodbyes

They came back exhausted
I was dying to know
I let a few days go by then asked
how did it go
well Her folks live in Pheonix
they spoiled us, they're rich
But overall it was difficult
Dad's girlfriend's a .... how shall I put it

Dad's got a new girlfriend
Now what was her name
I wrote it down somewhere
Was it Jen, maybe Jane
Dad's got a new girlfriend
And he's got the hots
We'll have to remind him
That we call the shots
Dad's got a new girlfriend
And they're making plans
But she's on probation
Till she meets our demands
Dad's got a new girlfriend
Like girlfriends before
If we kids don't like her
We'll show her the door
If we kids don't like her
We'll show her the door
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She's Crazy About Me

Would I really want a gal
Who'd have me for her own
Wouldn't that imply
The lights are on, but noone's home

She must be out of her mind
If she thinks I'm the kind
Of guy she'd spend the rest of her life with

Clearly missing a few screws
If I'm the one she'd choose
To settle down to husband and wife with

She's Crazy About Me
I mean she'd have to be, right
Crazy About Me
That's what she told me last night
She looked me right in the eye
And said with a sigh
I finally found my
Forever guy
She's crazy about me

She must be off of her rocker (offa)
Someone ought to talk her
Off of the ledge, out of falling in love

She's Out of her tree
If she thinks we could be
The happy couple that she's dreamin' of

She's Crazy About Me
I mean she'd have to be, right
Crazy About Me
That's what she told me last night
She looked me right in the eye
And said with a sigh
I finally found my
Forever guy
She's crazy about me

I'm not worthy, don't deserve her
But considering her ferver
While I've got the chance, shouldn't I try to romance her
If I'm her hearts desire
Who am I to deny her
Besides all that she told me, she won't take no for an answer

Now we're together
Birds of a feather
That cute and quirky couple who'll put a smile on your face

She's kooky, I'm odd
We're two peas in a pod
She's my nutty little fruitcake, and I'm her basket case

She's Crazy About Me
I mean she'd have to be, right
Crazy About Me
That's what she told me last night
She looked me right in the eye
And said with a sigh
I finally found my
Forever guy
She's crazy about me
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How Will I Fail You Today

How will I fail you today, my love
Certainly I'll find a way
A text you expected, an errand neglected
Probably something I'll say
God forbid I've forgotten to take out the trash
It's payday, don't worry, I'll bring home the cash
How will I fail you today, my love
How will I fail you today

How will I fail you today, my love
How will I stumble and fall
The kitchen sink's leaking, that stair is still squeaking
A light just went out in the hall
The long list of chores written next to my name
I swear I'll get started right after the game
How will I fail you today, my love
How will I fail you today

How will I fail you today, my love
What will I do to offend
Perchance I might glance, at a girl in tight pants
Or carelessly flirt with your friend
I try not to notice a curve or a bounce
For Karen is lurking and waiting to pounce
How will I fail you today, my love
How will I fail you today

I remember your smile as you walked down the aisle
So proud to be wearing my ring
For a very short while, I could do no wrong
I was your hero, your champion, your king

How will I fail you today, my love
However I may, have no doubt
By the end of the day
When we hit the hay
We'll talk it through, we'll work it out
Your head on my shoulder, you're starting to drowse
But suddenly wanting to renew our vows
How will I fail you today, my love
How will I fail you today

Her happiness is your happiness
You're in this love together
You scratch her back she'll scratch yours
You share the bills, the dogs, the chores
Domestic bliss depends on this
It's what makes true love true
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps a young love growing
There for her she's there for you
When chips are down or payment's due
Quid pro quo you reap what you sow so
Give your gal her due
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps love hot and spicy
She floats your boat, you float hers
When sparks ignite and passion stirs
Give like you get and you can bet she'll
Stick to you like glue
Her happiness is your happiness too

And when she's in her happy place
That cheeky smile upon your face
Right there on the brink of tickled pink
Oh, and now you're trading places
Look how soft and sweet her face is
Specially from a bird's eye point of view
Her happiness is your happiness too

Her happiness is your happiness
It keeps the love light glowing
The flame that never ends depends
On candles burning at both ends
To your heart's delight if you get it right
Or it's "Not tonight!" for you
Her happiness is your happiness too
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Hello Poly

One morning after Yoga Judy said her shoulda
Was tight and stiff and causing her some pain
I said lay down on the mat let's have a look at that
I know a little somethin's good for muscle sprain
Soon folks were gathered all around
In a circle on the ground
For an hour we sat and chatted
While we prodded poked and patted
And by the time we heard the lunch bell ring
We knew we'd found our favorite thing

Bill and Ted, Tom and Wally, Alice, Ruth, May and Molly
We're in love and poly at the old folks home

Alice loves to cuddle though she sometimes leaves a puddle where we're standing
Julie loves me truly but gets angry and unruly if I'm late or miss our date out on the landing
Joan has no regrets, she kisses and forgets from one day to the next it all starts over
But nothing could be better than to be inside Sue's sweater in the garden rolling over in the clover

Bill and Ted, Tom and Wally, Alice, Ruth, May and Molly
We're in love and poly at the old folks home

You should have seen their faces, when we started trading places around bed time
The boys all standing steady, holding firm and at the ready thanks to new pills on the menu at med time
Now no one's sad and lonely, cs' there's no one and only, there's love to go around and we all share it
Though the staff is freaking out, our happy faces leave no doubt, so they've decided it's just best to grin and bear it

Bill and Ted, Tom and Wally, Alice, Ruth, May and Molly
We're in love and poly at the old folks home

Then Miss Grundy came to stay,
And she had a lot to say, repent your wicked ways or burn in hell
She called us evil and blasphemous, only Jesus could redeem us
Kneel down and beg forgiveness or the whole world she would tell
She told her family, her preacher, we heard the Times was trying to reach her
Then came christian right protestors, old folks home inspectors
News trucks and reporters the sheriff with court orders
Trying to shut us down for what goes on beneath the covers
But what business is it of yours, if we choose to be free lovers
But there were those who shared our views, our friends the LGBTQ's
They came to our rescue with the lawyers from the ACLU

And the courts ruled in our favor
And Congress passed a bill
The Golden Years of Love Act
Leave us free to love who and when and where we will

Bill and Ted, Tom and Wally, Alice, Ruth, May and Molly
We're in love and poly at the old folks home

Miss Grundy's undies in a knot were the key to the whole plot
The knot's now come undone as likewise she has
Since discovering she's gay, she's making hay without delay
A spicy passion play with Mrs Diaz
That's them on the veranda, charming Lin-Manuel Miranda
Yes folks sometimes things work out in such an odd way
Bring up the curtain and the lights, Lin-Manuel bought the rights
Our story's going to be a show on Broadway

And Oh by gosh by golly
He's calling it "Hello Poly"

Bill and Ted, Tom and Wally, Alice, Ruth, May and Molly
We're in love and poly at the old folks home
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The Loser's Journey

A fork in the road
In fact there were two
I was young and naive
Just a kid, not a clue
My life in the balance
Which fork, this or that
I picked the shiny one
And here's where we're at

I jumped in the clown car
Took off for the gig
Marshall stacks and alcohol
My giant bass rig
Young gods up on stage
In guitar hero poses
On the charts with a bullet
All the cash up our noses
So why'd we split up?
The hell if I know
A question of egos
Either 'e goes or I go
Yeah we might have been rich
And not just well-shagged
If only a few of those
Zigs hadn't zagged

I did what you do
You would have too if you were me
Just another stop along
The loser's journey

I'll show them all I thought
And start my own band
So how did that go?
Yeah, well, not quite as planned, you see
Rock thought we were country
Country thought we were punk
All anyone agreed on was
"Your drummer's a hunk!"
When the band abandoned ship
I was left high and dry
Alone, by default
A singer songwriter guy

I did what you do
You would have too if you were me
Just another stop along
The loser's journey

Reprieve, I got the gig
I'm out on tour with a Diva
She wrote a million hit songs, you know like
I'm A Believer
Five star hotels
The odd private jet
Making bank playing whole notes
Below the fifth fret
The album tanked, the tour got canceled
But for three months that year
Even I won't deny
I had a promising career

I did what you do
You would have too if you were me
Just another stop along
The loser's journey

It hit me at 50
It had all been an illusion
And here was the proof
I was playing jazz fusion
With some showboat guitar dude
All stereo-chorused
Bored out of my mind
In an endless cock forest
Back in the clown car
Where it all started
Shouting open the window asshole
At the guy who just farted

I did what you do
You would have too if you were me
Just another stop along
The loser's journey

And no, I'm not bitter I know the score
Why hate myself for what fate had in store
You win some you lose some, it's enough that I tried
Cause in the end friend like Bill said
It's just a ride

I hope you enjoyed our trip
Down memory lane
More like a dirt road, right?
Washed out by the rain
Dead ends and detours
Runnin' on empty
Would I do all over?
Brother, don't tempt me

I did what you do
You would have too if you were me
Just another stop along
The loser's journey
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I'll Be Home For Christmas (And Tech Support)

I'll check your settings
Install all the apps
Reset your remotes
While you're taking naps
I'll fix the Netflix
Sync your new phone
Block all those robo-callers
Who won't leave you alone
We'll find out why
Your Wi-fi's so slow
And if it's not the hardware
We'll upgrade to pro
I've got just the right cable
For that ethernet port
Yes I'll be home for Christmas, and tech support

I'll scan your photos
Back them up to the cloud
They'll be so easy to
Share with the old crowd
I'll check for malware
And flush your cache
Defrag your hard drives
Empty the trash
I'll Delete your cookies
Update your OS
Make sure all your passwords
Are impossible to guess
Run the anti-virus scanner
And print a report
Yes I'll be home for Christmas, and tech support

Around the tree
We'll have our phones out
Taking videos and photos for our followers and friends
We'll post our presents, the Christmas dinner
Then through snowy woods we'll take a hike
A thousand folks or more will like
Be sure to get some tips from cousin Spencer
He's our most successful influencer
He'll have advice, for going viral
And then hashtag baking made from scratch
We'll see if Grandma's apple pie will
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A Steve Jobs Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Our phones set on silent, not one hand on a mouse
Our laptops asleep, the family as well
7 parents 12 kids 9 Macs and a Dell
Startled awake, someone turned the door handle
And in walked a stranger, in his hand a lit candle
I started to panic, heard my wife's frightened sobs
When the man said relax folks, I'm the ghost of Steve Jobs
I reached for my phone to call 911
But my phone wasn't there! He said, that's why I've come
I'm here to save Christmas but I fear It's too late
AI just met marketing, the Grinch is at the gate
As St. Nick is my witness we've got it all wrong
And I'm counting on you (John) to tell the world in a song
M M Me?!!
Remember 'think different'? The whole thing's flipped its lid
Now the misfits and crazy ones live off the grid
Rebels send letters with paper and pens
Troublemakers spend hours in real life with their friends
Follow their lead, honor the past
What Christmas needs is a media fast
A media fast?
No screens, no tvs, no consoles, no news
No uploads to YouTube, no checking your views
No liking or tweeting, not a single emoji
Just one phone for family calls shared round the tree
With our most treasured holiday season in peril
I only ask that together you read Dicken's Christmas Carol
Read? A book?
Yes this book, I'll allow, will fill your hearts to the brim
With the spirit of Christmas that saved Tiny Tim
Scrooge's redemption will serve a reminder
To the poor be more generous to each other kinder
That's a lot on your plate John, and so little time
Then poof he was gone to the sound of a chime
I woke up bewildered but strange as it may seem
My wife saw it too it wasn't a dream
Under the tree, confirmation, a card, even better
A gift, round rimless glasses a black turtleneck sweater
As I read them the card their faces revealed
A Steve Jobs reality distortion field
For as if in a trance they put down their devices
Wrapped cookies and cakes, packed up hot turkey slices
Then into the cold with me in the lead
Piled up with goodies for all those in need
Merry Christmas we shouted, as we marched through the streets
And from out of their homes folks brought presents and treats
Like some Yuletide Pied Piper to the shelter I lead them
We handed out blankets, folks were hungry, we fed them
Then around a big bonfire, joined together in spirit
We sang Joy to the World, so the whole world could hear it
That night, round the tree, warm and cozy, we read
Of Scrooge, Tiny Tim, Jacob Marley and Fred
And though it may seem unlikely and hard to believe
If you're reading Dickens this Christmas, you owe it to Steve

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